Please shove it in my face!

For a couple of weeks I have been very down. In less than one week I will be 35. I know this does not sound very old to most people out their but to me this is a very sad age for me. In fertility years this is the age that pretty much ends it all. From here on any chances of me getting pregnant or having a baby goes down. Needless to say I am sad.

I thought I was doing ok but I just found out that one of the teachers I work with is pregnant, a friend of mine just had a baby and another friend of mine is now pregnant. The worst part of this is that she didn't even tell me. I found out through facebook. I know everyone is saying that she wouldn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me (especially because she didn't want anymore children). I have to say though that she has hurt me even more because she didn't tell me and she has stopped responding to any communication from me.

So here I am again.... In a depression that it gets harder and harder to pull myself out of it. I love it when people tell me I should be happy with what I have. It sure is easy to say when you are standing there holding your baby in your hands to give this advice to someone else who will never have what they have always wanted. I know I have great things in life but I am SAD!!!

I just have to remember to breathe in and out everyday.... Enjoy the things I have and wash my hands of those who have abandoned me. I just wish it was that easy!

Time Continues

Five Years ago, January 12 at 7:52 am, I lost my husband of almost 6 years marriage. Bruce was so many things to me, a husband, a lover, a friend and my soulmate.



How can five years feel like just yesterday, for the good and the bad. Every year I think it won't be as hard and every year it seems just a little bit harder. I miss him. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart and just won't let go.

Life is a beautiful thing. There are so many things to cherrish, small and large. Bruce and my marriage was filled with wonderful times and hard times, but we made the most of all the times we had. Bruce had a spirit about him that would find good in everything.



Time continues... Each day Bruces has been gone that much longer. My life continues with a new husband, who I love so much. We have a full life and enjoy ever minute we have together. My past experiences have taught me to cherrish and hold on to what I have.

Tonight I will think of my Bruce and let him know how much it ment to be his wife and how much I miss him.

I may have only had a short time with him but I am happy to say that he was my husband and I love him dearly. I love you Bruce.

In Review

The new year is here and like many people I like to take a few minutes to reflect on the year I have just finished. I have to say that I believe it has been a very good year.
My husband and I both have jobs that make our life comfortable. So many times I only think about all the things in my life I don't have and that I want, but right now I am thinking about what I have and for once in my life I feel like I am in a very comfortable situation. I thank God for this everyday, because I know it can go as fast as it came.
Everyone complains about their job and even though I do my fair share of complaining, I do love my job. Tuesday morning when my students come in they will act like they haven't seen me in 100 years. They hug you and let you know how much they missed you. I am going to try to not complain as much about my job and enjoy it a little more. I am going to open my eyes and see the children for what they are.

Vacation is something that my husband and I enjoy. This year we took at trip to Colorado. I had a chance to show him my favorite place where my mother use to bring me when I was a child. He also had a chance to conquer Pikes Peak. We had a great time.

I have come to find that the fun and amazing time in our life doesn't have to cost a lot of money or even have to leave our house. We take time for the things that count friends, family and each other. We make new traditions and keep the ones of our family.

I am looking forward to the year to come. I am going to try new things and enjoy every minute I have with my loved ones!

Thankful

At this time of the year my emotions run high. I miss the ones I lost and I love the ones I have. I try to see the things I have and be thankful for what I do have. Tonight I am going to be thankful for the things I have.

I am thankful for my mom. She is the best mom anyone could ever have. I talk to her every morning and she means the world to me. She is my best friend. We do many thing shop, scrapbook, watch movies, and sometimes just watch trash TV. I appreciate every minute I have with my mom. She is the best there is. If they were looking to write a book on what a good mom is she should be the example they use.

I am thankful for my husband. I am very fortunate to have been loved by two wonderful men. They have both treated me like I am the only thing there is. Russell is my current husband and he is wonderful. I am the queen of his world. He knows I have been through a lot but has opened his heart to include my family from my first husband and my family. He is always ready to go and make memories. I love him so.

I am thankful for my job. I came home from Kindergarten one day and told my mom I wanted to be a teacher. Many years later here I am "a teacher" 11 years. WOW!.. Everyday my kids are excited to be at school and to see me. They love me. I get to see the moments when the light bulb comes on and they start learning. They make me feel needed and wanted.

I do have many more things that I am thankful for. I need to remember when I get low there are so many things that could be worse. Thank you God for the good things in my life.

A Prayer

Dear God,
Tonight I am praying for peace. Peace in my life, Peace in my mind, Peace in my heart.

This day has been a very hard day. Actually I should say this week, but today it all came to a head. Last weekend my good friend informed me that she was going to have a baby. Now please don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, very happy for her. Even though I am happy for her, I have been getting sadder and sadder as this week has gone on. I feel the depression seeking up on me. Everyday I remind myself of the wonderful things I have and that my life is great! Even though I remind myself of these things it doesn't kept me from thinking of the things I have lost in the past and the things I can not have. This morning at school it was just to much and in the bathroom I feel apart (tears and sobbing) and then had to pull myself back together because there were 30 children on their way to school for me to education.

I have always been told that I am a stong person. Sometimes my strong side retreats and leaves me weak.... very weak. I know in a day or so I will return to the person I know I am and will continue on with my life, enjoying the good things and keep going. For now though I look to the heavens and asked God for the help I need to get through this night.

New School Year

A new school year is here. I have gone silent. I have had good ideas for blogging just haven't followed through with it. Oh well maybe another day!

"Why don't friends with kids have time?"

This article has been passed around facebook and every stay home mom out there are just singing it's praises. Well not being a stay home mom and not having children at all I find myself hating the article and hating the people cheering for it. Now please don't get me wrong. I know that stay at home moms work very hard and are very busy. I also know being a teacher and taking care of 30 children a day, going home with work from school and taking care of my home and family that I am very busy too. I also know that I have have not stopped communication with my friends.

I have friends who have children and when I call them they will let me know if they are busy or not. They will also call me back if they can not talk at that moment. I have also had friends that I can call and call and call and never hear back from them. I understand you are busy! BUT a friendship is a relationship and if this relationship is going to continue and grow it takes give and take from both sides. I feel like as a good friend I understand that you need time to yourself and that you will not always be able to talk when I call. I also understand that now when we do something it will include your children. I am fine with that but in return sometimes I would like when you are taking your 10 minutes to yourself that you might think of me and pick up the phone, send me an e-mail or even just text me.

Friendships are like marriages if you don't work at it they die. Some of your friends may not have children by choice, some might want children but can't have them. Stop treating your childless friends like the enemy! They are not trying to start a war with you. They are just trying to be a part of your life.

I know that I have not spent a day in a stay at home mother's shoes, but they have not spent a day in my shoes. Dealing with other people and their children, being yelled at about something I can not do anything about or coming home wanting a minute to sit down and have a conversation with my husband but I have more work to do and phone calls to make (mind you to "parents" who couldn't care less what is going on with their children, some being stay at home moms). In the end everyone no make what your "job" is can make time for their friends if they care enough!