Angry, Frustrated .... OK I AM REALLY PISSED OFF!!

Before spring break we had a field trip. I asked all the parents to leave the children's backpacks and name tags at home. I was very proud that just two students brought a backpack. I told the students that they would have to leave their backpacks at school and would get them when we returned to school. I try very hard not to take anything extra with us on a field trip. I have enough responsibilities making sure we have all the students and that they are all behaving.

Well we went on our field trip and it was a lot of fun. Everyone was good and had a great time. When we returned to the school the parents were there to pick up the students. One of our students that brought their backpack started having a fit because they wanted to take it home. I explained to the parent and the child that the door was locked and he would have to get it on the next day of school. The child not accepting this and the fit getting a little worse I told him that I could send it home with his brother or he could leave it. I didn't mind sending it home, I just wasn't going to run and get it right then. The child was ok with us sending it home and left with his parent. Everything was just fine.

UNTIL....

When I went to take the backpack to the brother one of the other employees at our school stopped me and said " Oh let me tell you about this backpack." She then proceeds to tell me that this child wouldn't get out of the car that morning because he didn't have his backpack. She went and got a new backpack out of her room and gave it to him so he would get out of the car. I told her that because she did this, it cause another fit later that day. She kinda shrugged it off and went on.

All I can say is what is our school coming to. I don't know if other schools are like this but I know ours is. The child throws a fit and people are waving things in front of them asking Do you want this? Or this? Or how about this? Would you like me to stand on my head and spin around?

SERIOUSLY!!!! Are we getting these students ready for the real world or are we teaching them that no matter what they do we will bend over backwards to make them happy so they don't throw a fit. I do believe that we have some students who are very hard to handle and we do need to figure out what works with them. If it be that they need breaks or a rest time, I am all for that. I will not reward a student for doing what every other child does without a reward.

My feeling is, that child should have been left in the care and if he was going to throw a fit he could stay in the car until he was done. If he didn't stop then his parent could just take him home. The only thing leave through what happened is that the some people in our school do not have a clue and this child now knows if he throws a big enough fit he will get whatever he wants.

Footprint in the Sand

Do you ever feel lost? I feel lost! I feel like God shows me the path but when I try to start down it it isn't recognizable anymore. Just like footprints in the sand you can see them until the waves come crashing in.
I feel the older I get the more I question where my life is going. What the purpose of my life is and if there is even a purpose. I just want God to drop it in front of me and say Here it is, like it or not, this is what your life holds for you. If that were the case then I could read it and know ok this is what I have to work with and make it that happiest life I could. This whole thing with not knowing what is going to happen and getting your hopes up for something you may never have. It hurts. If you know me, you know have a very strong faith in God. I believe he has a reason for everything he does and that one day we will understand that reason. My biggest issue is that even though I know everything is for a reason I have trouble being ok with the fact that I don't know the reason. I keep telling myself that not having a child isn't a big deal. Russell and I can travel and we have the freedom to come and go as we please. I also tell myself that maybe God is sparing us the heartache of having a child with a disability. Knowing all this why do I fall about when I see a pregnant woman? Why do I have such a urge to hold a baby? I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I see these people who have more children than they know what to do with and have no way to support them and they do nothing with them. The only question I have when I see that is WHY? Why them and not me? What have I done wrong?

I have many people around me that want to make it better and telling everything is going to be alright. There are also people who don't come around me because they have children and they don't know how to deal with me and my emotions. Guess what it isn't easy dealing with the emotions form this side either.
Here lately I have felt very lost in my life. I hope that I can find the path God has laid out for me and be happy with where ever it leads me.

Bruce Dean Brunkow 1971-2005

This year Bruce and I would have been married 10 years. Wow! 10 years. We had been married for about six years when he passed away. It was a very long six years. We spent a lot of time in the hospital and fighting doctors. Even though there were hard times we were in love. Bruce was my first love. He always made me feel special and he truly cared about me.


The night Bruce asked me to marry him he took me to a small park in St. Joe. We had been there for a few hours. As the sun went down I could tell he was up to something because I was cold and he was acting weird. He finally did it. He got down on his knee and asked me. Of course I said yes. He gave me a beautiful ring with our birthstones on each side of the diamond. He was so excited when he got the ring that he wasn't about to wait.

Bruce was a man of many talents. He was a chef in the kitchen. Bruce did wonderful things with food. He made the best brisket I have ever tasted. I haven't had brisket that tasted like his since. Bruce was also born with two green thumbs. I could look at a plant and kill it, while he could cut a piece of a plant off and grow a whole bush from it. Bruce also was very mechanically inclined. He was always changing things on his car, adding new lights and fixing things that probably didn't need to be changed. He was really into medicine and would watch any show that he could see an operation preformed. He drove the doctors crazy with all his questions and the fact the he actually knew what he was talking about.

Bruce and I had grand plans.(What is the saying, Life happens while your making plans) We wanted to buy a house, travel, and have a family. Bruce's health problems put our plans on hold. We were unable to buy a house. We did do some traveling that we enjoyed. During the last year we were asked to adopt a baby of on of my students parents. We were so excited! We were sure it was a gift from God. Bruce was so funny to watch. We fitted the car seat in the car. After I came back inside, Bruce stayed outside and kept checking it. The month before Bruce passed our baby girl was born and passed away two days later. We never got to see her or hold her. Bruce's heart was broken. It was right before Christmas. That was the worst Christmas we ever had.

Some great things about Bruce:
He had an evil look when he was up to nothing good.
He was a great cook.
He loved children and animals.
He got very excited to open gifts on his birthday or at Christmas.
He loved Christmas and Christmas music.
He was a caring person who would anything for anyone.
and there was so much more!!!



I miss Bruce everyday. It is hard for me to go through a day without having many reminders of him, the smell of his cologne, the way someone walks or just a song on the radio. I cherished everyday I had with Bruce I have no regrets from our life together. I will miss him always and treasure the time with had together.

May Bruce and his baby girl, Mariska, rest in Peace.

A man as good as Bruce was should never be forgotten.
If you knew Bruce and what to share something about him please leave it in a comment.

Reflection of the Past Year

This last year has been one of different emotions. I have struggled over the last year with where I belong and who I want in my life. I have to remind my self to count the blessings I have and not morn over the blessings I don't have. I have also looked to the future tried to see how I would be in different lives.

Through my struggle with infertility In the last year I have found that some people I used to consider very close friends are not what they've always seemed. Infertility is a very hard situation to be in. I have tried very hard to be supportive of others who are having children and to be happy for the. Even though after the fact I feel like my heart is being literally pulled out. I am happy for these other people, even if they do not think so. I have lost a few relationships because of this problem. I know that part of this is me and even though I have tried I can only do try so hard. After reading up on infertility and how to deal with others who are having children, I found that it isn't all my fault. The people having babies need to understand some what that no matter how happy I am for the this is a terribly hard situation for me. Going to see people you love shouldn't end with tears and depression every time. I don't feel like I am asking to much, just a little consideration of my feelings and emotions. If I step out for a few minutes to have a short cry, no offense should be taken to this. It doesn't mean I don't like you, It doesn't mean that I hate your child, It just means I am emotional and I need a minute. After trying to work through this without losing any family or friends I finally had to come to the conclusion that I had to do what was best for me. I have cut off communication with a few friends and even some family. The funny thing is I think this actually hurt me more than them. I think they don't really care that I have done this. All this shows me is that these weren't relationships worth keeping.

Over the last year I have preach a little better than I practice. I encourage others to count their blessings. I have found that I morn the blessings I don't have more than I count the ones I do. I have to literally remind myself to think about what I do have. So for a reminder here are some of my blessings.

1. A husband that loves me unconditionally.

2. A mother that is like my best friend.

3. A step Dad who loves me.

4. A very good job.

5. A home to live in.

6. A few very good friends.

7. A great assistant at school.

8. The means to take vacations with my husband.

9. Healthy enough to do most of the things we want.

10. Being able not to have to pop a pill to make it through the day or to have a good day.

In 2010 I plan to continue to count all the blessings I have.

I have taken some time in the last few months to imagine myself in different futures. What would my life be like if we never had children? What would it be like if we did? What would it be like if we adopted a baby? Could we even adopt a baby? I have thought about all these different situations many, many times. Sometimes thinking about it makes me sad other times it doesn't bother me. I have just decided I am going to keep things in perspective. I have a great live and no matter what I do or don't get in the future shouldn't change that. My life is what I make of it. So today, Tomorrow and the other days to come, I am going to try with my full heart to make each day the best day it can be. I am going to smile, love and enjoy. This is the life God has given me and I am going to truly try to stop taking advantage of it.

Looking back over the last year I can't say it was bad. In fact is was pretty good. There have been the ups and downs. Changes have happened but I believe in life changes have to happen. So here is to 2010 may it be better than last year and bring great things to life!!

Christmas Thoughts

Merry Christmas!!



I have to say Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I love the looks on children's faces when they talk about what they want and Santa! This is the time of year when magic is real and people go out of their way to help others who need a helping hand. Every year I try to help someoone that needs it. I usually pick someone that I know so I see what comes of the gift. This year it was a student from school. I had so much fun shopping for them and then I actually got to see the them wear some of the clothese to school. They were so excited to wear to new boots and coat I got them. I think if everyone who take a minute to help some who needs it everyone would have a great Christmas.

Four Years Old

Today is the day my baby girl would have been four years old. WOW! Four years old. It is very strange to think because I still have a nursery with clothes, blankets and all the baby things you would ever need. It has been four years and the room is still for a baby and today my little girl would have been a big girl.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about how she would be this year. She would be so excited about Christmas and Santa Claus. She would have sang at church and would have been excited to see the baby Jesus. She would have ornaments on the tree, to represent the years of her life and would have a very special dress for the up coming holiday. I was Christmas shopping the other day and saw ornaments. I wondered which ornament I would have bought for her this year. Would it have been a barbie one or maybe a ballerina.

When I go to bed at night I imagine myself holding her and singing to her. Every night I rock my baby to sleep. Tonight I think she will look different than she ever has in my imagination. I will still rock her and love her. This is something that no one can take away from me. Maybe someday I will have a child that I can celebrate these wonderful events with.... until then I have my thoughts to help me make it through.

Thanksgiving and Thankful

Thanksgiving is just two days away. At this time of year I try to get my students to understand that even if they don't have as much as they would like, they still have more than some children do. I take a few minutes to reflect on my own life and count the blessings I have. Myself like many of my students, there are so many of things I would like to have in my life that I don't. I have also lost a lot in my life, but today I am going to be thankful.

I am thankful for my husband. When he looks at me I can see he is more and more in love with me. He has filled my empty spot. Everyday with him is a new adventure.

I am thankful for my mom. For someone who has never had any siblings I really feel like my mom and I are like sisters. We talk about everything. I am so blessed to have a mother like mine. She wants to spend time with me and wants to be a part of my life.

I am thankful for my Dad. We have had our ups and downs but I am happy I have him. I know he would do anything for me and I would do the same for him.

I am thankful that I have job and money to do all the wonderful things we want to.

I am thankful for my two cats who are my children. They are my babies.

With the holiday season approaching and gifts are being bought. I will remember that if I didn't have anything, I would still have everything.

Happy Thanksgiving!