A Prayer

Dear God,
Tonight I am praying for peace. Peace in my life, Peace in my mind, Peace in my heart.

This day has been a very hard day. Actually I should say this week, but today it all came to a head. Last weekend my good friend informed me that she was going to have a baby. Now please don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, very happy for her. Even though I am happy for her, I have been getting sadder and sadder as this week has gone on. I feel the depression seeking up on me. Everyday I remind myself of the wonderful things I have and that my life is great! Even though I remind myself of these things it doesn't kept me from thinking of the things I have lost in the past and the things I can not have. This morning at school it was just to much and in the bathroom I feel apart (tears and sobbing) and then had to pull myself back together because there were 30 children on their way to school for me to education.

I have always been told that I am a stong person. Sometimes my strong side retreats and leaves me weak.... very weak. I know in a day or so I will return to the person I know I am and will continue on with my life, enjoying the good things and keep going. For now though I look to the heavens and asked God for the help I need to get through this night.

New School Year

A new school year is here. I have gone silent. I have had good ideas for blogging just haven't followed through with it. Oh well maybe another day!

"Why don't friends with kids have time?"

This article has been passed around facebook and every stay home mom out there are just singing it's praises. Well not being a stay home mom and not having children at all I find myself hating the article and hating the people cheering for it. Now please don't get me wrong. I know that stay at home moms work very hard and are very busy. I also know being a teacher and taking care of 30 children a day, going home with work from school and taking care of my home and family that I am very busy too. I also know that I have have not stopped communication with my friends.

I have friends who have children and when I call them they will let me know if they are busy or not. They will also call me back if they can not talk at that moment. I have also had friends that I can call and call and call and never hear back from them. I understand you are busy! BUT a friendship is a relationship and if this relationship is going to continue and grow it takes give and take from both sides. I feel like as a good friend I understand that you need time to yourself and that you will not always be able to talk when I call. I also understand that now when we do something it will include your children. I am fine with that but in return sometimes I would like when you are taking your 10 minutes to yourself that you might think of me and pick up the phone, send me an e-mail or even just text me.

Friendships are like marriages if you don't work at it they die. Some of your friends may not have children by choice, some might want children but can't have them. Stop treating your childless friends like the enemy! They are not trying to start a war with you. They are just trying to be a part of your life.

I know that I have not spent a day in a stay at home mother's shoes, but they have not spent a day in my shoes. Dealing with other people and their children, being yelled at about something I can not do anything about or coming home wanting a minute to sit down and have a conversation with my husband but I have more work to do and phone calls to make (mind you to "parents" who couldn't care less what is going on with their children, some being stay at home moms). In the end everyone no make what your "job" is can make time for their friends if they care enough!

Where the Wild Things Are

I felt as a teacher I should see the movie Where the Wild Things Are. This is one of my favorite books. I hate when they make movies out of my favorite kid books because they seem to always mess them up. Others have told me that this movie was great so I thought I should give it a chance.

Right now I am sitting here watching Where the Wild Things Are and all I can say is I hate it. I can't stand Max. In the book I know Max is bad but I don't think he was as out of control as this little boy is.

The more I watch this movie I find that I don't blame Max as much as I did at the beginning. Parents can be so unaware of what their children need. Especially boys! They have these precious children and then think they will raise themselves. As I watch Max with the wild things I realize he needs friends, love, attention and an outlet for all the energy he has. Parents forget what it is like to be a kid. Imagining, jumping, crashing, singing, spinning etc..

The movie is over and all I have to say is the book was much better. I find it funny that at the end of the movie he comes home and his mother feeds him dinner and dessert and even though you could tell she was relieved to have him home she doesn't say anything. I know it was because it was a movie but I don't think I could be silent.

Teacher of the Year

I will never be teacher of the year!

I have never thought I really had a bucket list but here lately I have started thinking about the things in life I want and have started writing things down. One thing I have always thought would be very cool is to be teacher of the year. Now I know that is a long shot and I know it will probably never happen. But boy wouldn't it be Great!

Tonight I realized this is something that will never happen. I am not the type of teacher that will ever win this award. I am not the teacher jumps every time I am asked and that does things just because someone tells me too. I do the things I know work with my students. I am a hard worker and will go the extra mile. I keep in touch with my parents, stress myself out making plans that I know my students will love and in the end I know that my students are better because of that.

In the end I will remember that it doesn't matter what awards I win, how others feel about me or what hoops I jump through. What really matters is that I give my students my best and no matter what I will know I make a difference.

Worry

My Grandmother is going in for a bi pass surgery next week, which has made me start thinking. I have been thinking about everything she is going to need. The family is rallying together to help her. Some are staying with her, some are bringing meals, etc. Then I started to think about my life. In the past months I have had to start thinking about my life without children. What will my life be like? Will I be able to handle not having children? What does my future look like?
Last night everything came together and I feel apart. When I am my grandmother's age the only person I might have is my husband. There will be no one there to stay and help. No one there to bring meals. No one there to even care. I am so scared! I don't want to be alone!

I want to grow old with my husband and at Christmas time I want our children to come home with the grand kids. I want to have all the handmade ornaments on the tree. I want to have traditions with my family.

Everyday I go to work and look at the children in my class and it just gets wonder what it would be like to actually get to be the mom. Get to see them when they get home and snuggle and love on them. People tell me that even if I don't have children I still have the children I teach. Well let me tell you those children forget me. I don't get to love them the way a mother loves her child. I don't get to snuggle down and read them books. And at the end of the night I come home to my wonderful husband and no child.
I don't know how to make the pain go away. I know I will be fine becasue "I am Strong". I just Worry, about what is to come and if I can make it through. For now I try to look for the great things in my life (which I do have).

For those of you who have children and grandchildren you will never understand what people who can't have children feel. Even when you are just trying to be nice it still hurts.

10 YEARS

When I first started teaching I was amazed by the teachers who had been teaching for more than five years. "Wow, I have such a long road until I will be to 5.. or even 10 years."



Now I am sitting at the end of my tenth year... 10 YEARS! This has been a long road coming but sitting her at the end of ten years I look back and all I can say is "wow that went fast."


The Good :
I have to say getting to know new people has been one of the highlights of teaching. I don't only get to know the children but I get to know their families. I met some good friends through teaching. I love watching the students when they figure out they can actually do things on their own. I also feel like I make a difference. I work hard so my students have a better start to their educational life. When they leave me I have done everything in my power to make the independent kids who are prepared for what is coming their way.

The bad :
Even though being a teacher is very rewarding there are a few drawbacks to it. If you end up in a school where the administration isn't great, then everyone suffers. You can be the best teacher in the world but there is only so much you can do with bad administration. Another bad thing about teaching is that the people in charge of deciding what the children will learn actually know nothing about how they learn. They forget that these are children and need breaks, time to move and time to PLAY and have FUN.

The funny:
One of the best things about working with little children is that they are very blunt and say some of the funniest things. Here are a few of my favorites from over the years!

D comes to school and tells me that he won't be at school anymore. I asked him why and he responded that he would be dead. (Wondering what was going on I asked why he would be dead) He said "My mom said if I didn't clean my room.... (then he just shook his head) I figured that the end of that statement was the she was going to kill him. LOL.

During a screening a child asked me when she got to scream. I said we weren't going to scream and she replayed that her mother told her that the were going to a Screaming to get into school.

At Thanksgiving one of our student's mom was pregnant and we asked at Thanksgiving what is your mom going to have... The child thought for a minute and responded "A Turkey" I am sure the baby kind of looked like a turkey but that the response I was looking for.

I have had my ups and downs through the last 10 years. I have learned a lot and I feel like I have grown to be a better teacher. I started as a teacher who was afraid to stand in front of a group and talk. I hated to have to inform parents of their children's short comings. Now these things come easier and easier every year. This is to the Ten years behind me and the many years yet to come. May they be wonderful!!