In the winter of 05-06 I was about to experience the most painful part of my life, and what I didn't know, is that there was more to come.
September of 05 my husband Bruce and I were asked to adopt a baby girl who was to be born in December. We of course said yes because we had been trying for many years and truly wanted a child. By November we were ready. We were given three showers and had more baby stuff then you could ever imagine. The nursery was painted purple, crib was set up and everything was in it's place. Someone commented now all this room needs is the baby. Shortly before our baby girl was born the birth mother broke off contact with us and we didn't hear anything else until a few weeks after she was born. We found out that our baby girl was born on December 6 and then passed on December 8. The birth family named her Abby and she was burried. She will never be Abby to me, her name will always be Mariska Emerson Brunkow. My baby girl would be turning 4 this year, the same age as the children I teach.
January 06 my husband became ill with the flu and a few days later I found him unresponsive. After a taking him to the hospital and then life flighting him to Nebraska, he passed from sudden liver failure on January 12. I thought losing my daughter was hard but this was my soul mate. He was part of me. We completed each other sentences. Bruce had defied the doctors all his life and lived a much longer life than the ever thought he would, but I wanted (needed) him to live longer. There were so many things we wanted to do, wanted to experience, but God took him early. I will love him and miss him always.
I found that I do have the same bond with friends as I use to. I think of things differently than they do. I know life is short and I don't know how long I have here so I am going to do the things I want to now. I have friends who have stopped communicating with me since my change. I can't change back to the person I was. I miss these friends and I have picked up the phone a few times and almost had the whole number dialed before I hang it back up and remember what has happened between us.
I have also lost some family through this. I have family that doesn't understand how I feel and actually what I have been through. They want me to just get over it. They are dead and we need to be happy and move on. WOW! That sounds great, someone please show my heart how to do that. Some of the comments have been "Let's try to make this a happy Christmas", "You are going to have get over it other people are still going to have babies", "You just need to get back out there".
For people who don't understand why we, who have lost a child, have trouble going to baby showers and being around pregnant people, I want you to try something for me. If you are pregnant or have been pregnant I want you to imagine that your baby was taken from you and they are no where to be found. You can't hold them or love them they are just gone and you will never see them again. Now everywhere you look you see people who are pregnant or who have children. How does this make you feel? Do you feel like your heart has been torn from your chest? Do you really want to be around the people who are a reminder what what you have loss? If you answered yes to the last one you a liar!
Over the last four year I have watched other family grow and move past this tragedy I would say that I have moved forward, to a point. I do have a new husband who loves my terribly and unconditionally. I am still trying to keep hope for baby in the future, but each day my hope gets a little less. We do continue to live though. We enjoy each day for what it brings and we travel and see new things. My life will continue on with or without certain people. I will continue to be strong and continue moving forward.
I try really hard to be understanding that other people's lives move on. I do feel that others should understand that part of my life hasn't and even though things have changed there is a part of my heart that will always feel pain because of what I have lost.