My Quiet Place

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Reflection of the Past Year

This last year has been one of different emotions. I have struggled over the last year with where I belong and who I want in my life. I have to remind my self to count the blessings I have and not morn over the blessings I don't have. I have also looked to the future tried to see how I would be in different lives.

Through my struggle with infertility In the last year I have found that some people I used to consider very close friends are not what they've always seemed. Infertility is a very hard situation to be in. I have tried very hard to be supportive of others who are having children and to be happy for the. Even though after the fact I feel like my heart is being literally pulled out. I am happy for these other people, even if they do not think so. I have lost a few relationships because of this problem. I know that part of this is me and even though I have tried I can only do try so hard. After reading up on infertility and how to deal with others who are having children, I found that it isn't all my fault. The people having babies need to understand some what that no matter how happy I am for the this is a terribly hard situation for me. Going to see people you love shouldn't end with tears and depression every time. I don't feel like I am asking to much, just a little consideration of my feelings and emotions. If I step out for a few minutes to have a short cry, no offense should be taken to this. It doesn't mean I don't like you, It doesn't mean that I hate your child, It just means I am emotional and I need a minute. After trying to work through this without losing any family or friends I finally had to come to the conclusion that I had to do what was best for me. I have cut off communication with a few friends and even some family. The funny thing is I think this actually hurt me more than them. I think they don't really care that I have done this. All this shows me is that these weren't relationships worth keeping.

Over the last year I have preach a little better than I practice. I encourage others to count their blessings. I have found that I morn the blessings I don't have more than I count the ones I do. I have to literally remind myself to think about what I do have. So for a reminder here are some of my blessings.

1. A husband that loves me unconditionally.

2. A mother that is like my best friend.

3. A step Dad who loves me.

4. A very good job.

5. A home to live in.

6. A few very good friends.

7. A great assistant at school.

8. The means to take vacations with my husband.

9. Healthy enough to do most of the things we want.

10. Being able not to have to pop a pill to make it through the day or to have a good day.

In 2010 I plan to continue to count all the blessings I have.

I have taken some time in the last few months to imagine myself in different futures. What would my life be like if we never had children? What would it be like if we did? What would it be like if we adopted a baby? Could we even adopt a baby? I have thought about all these different situations many, many times. Sometimes thinking about it makes me sad other times it doesn't bother me. I have just decided I am going to keep things in perspective. I have a great live and no matter what I do or don't get in the future shouldn't change that. My life is what I make of it. So today, Tomorrow and the other days to come, I am going to try with my full heart to make each day the best day it can be. I am going to smile, love and enjoy. This is the life God has given me and I am going to truly try to stop taking advantage of it.

Looking back over the last year I can't say it was bad. In fact is was pretty good. There have been the ups and downs. Changes have happened but I believe in life changes have to happen. So here is to 2010 may it be better than last year and bring great things to life!!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Thoughts

Merry Christmas!!



I have to say Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I love the looks on children's faces when they talk about what they want and Santa! This is the time of year when magic is real and people go out of their way to help others who need a helping hand. Every year I try to help someoone that needs it. I usually pick someone that I know so I see what comes of the gift. This year it was a student from school. I had so much fun shopping for them and then I actually got to see the them wear some of the clothese to school. They were so excited to wear to new boots and coat I got them. I think if everyone who take a minute to help some who needs it everyone would have a great Christmas.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Four Years Old

Today is the day my baby girl would have been four years old. WOW! Four years old. It is very strange to think because I still have a nursery with clothes, blankets and all the baby things you would ever need. It has been four years and the room is still for a baby and today my little girl would have been a big girl.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about how she would be this year. She would be so excited about Christmas and Santa Claus. She would have sang at church and would have been excited to see the baby Jesus. She would have ornaments on the tree, to represent the years of her life and would have a very special dress for the up coming holiday. I was Christmas shopping the other day and saw ornaments. I wondered which ornament I would have bought for her this year. Would it have been a barbie one or maybe a ballerina.

When I go to bed at night I imagine myself holding her and singing to her. Every night I rock my baby to sleep. Tonight I think she will look different than she ever has in my imagination. I will still rock her and love her. This is something that no one can take away from me. Maybe someday I will have a child that I can celebrate these wonderful events with.... until then I have my thoughts to help me make it through.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thanksgiving and Thankful

Thanksgiving is just two days away. At this time of year I try to get my students to understand that even if they don't have as much as they would like, they still have more than some children do. I take a few minutes to reflect on my own life and count the blessings I have. Myself like many of my students, there are so many of things I would like to have in my life that I don't. I have also lost a lot in my life, but today I am going to be thankful.

I am thankful for my husband. When he looks at me I can see he is more and more in love with me. He has filled my empty spot. Everyday with him is a new adventure.

I am thankful for my mom. For someone who has never had any siblings I really feel like my mom and I are like sisters. We talk about everything. I am so blessed to have a mother like mine. She wants to spend time with me and wants to be a part of my life.

I am thankful for my Dad. We have had our ups and downs but I am happy I have him. I know he would do anything for me and I would do the same for him.

I am thankful that I have job and money to do all the wonderful things we want to.

I am thankful for my two cats who are my children. They are my babies.

With the holiday season approaching and gifts are being bought. I will remember that if I didn't have anything, I would still have everything.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Old, Overweight and Balding

I have been searching through my graduating class on facebook this weekend. Now I have done this a couple of times before but this time I really noticed something about some of these people I went to school with. Not all of them look as young as they use to. It has finally hit, I am 33 and the people I went to high school are now starting to look old.

I look at some of the guys that I would have gone to the end of the earth to date and they are old. As I look at them I find myself asking why did I ever like them. They wouldn't have been good to me and then I look at my husband and understand why the relationships when I was young didn't or wouldn't have worked out. This is real love.

Tonight with a heart full of love, I can truly say that I have the best life I could have. There are many things I have wanted in my life that I don't have but maybe that is how it was suppose to be.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The doormat

Let me introduce myself I am "doormat". This is my 10th year teaching and I have never been made to feel more like a doormat as I have in the last few years. This year it seems to have really hit hard.
When I was growing up I always thought of teachers as being these wonderful people who loved everyone and who were looked highly appon. Teachers were the people who were there to help you do the best you could do. They were people everyone looked up too.

Boy how times have changed. I teach preschool and I am not looked at as much more than a glorified babysitter, by parents and even some colleauges.

Today really brought this to light for me. I had a parent coming for a second try at an orientation, after standing me up for the first one. Last week I scheduled this appointment with the parents and repeated the day and time twice before I got off the phone with her. So today at 12:00 I stood in the office and waited, 12:05, and waited 12:10, and waited, 12:20. No show! For the second time this parent had made me wait for over 20 minutes for her and for the second time she didn't show up. I might as well have layed down on the floor and let her walk on me and whip her feet.
Our progam is volunteery and has a waiting list. I decided that because this parent didn't take the responsiblity to make it to the orientation that we would just go on to the next child on the list and give them a chance to go to school. The higher ups all agreed so that is what we did. Knowing that sooner or later I was going to have to deal with this mother I finished my day and after dropping my students off at the busses I went into the office to find this parent sitting in the office waiting for me. She greeted me with a "good afternoon". I proceeded to remind her that her meeting was set up for 12:00pm. She then told me that she had called and left a message that she wouldn't be able to make it but would be at the school at 4:00-5:00. This message that I didn't receive made me feel like I was talking to the cable people (we will be there sometime between 1-5). I then informed this parent that this isn't the way I do things. I set the meeting up for a specific time and she couldn't just call and leave me an hour window that she might show up for and expect me to be there. I have other meetings and obligations that I am expected to do. I then informed her that his place in the class had been give to the next student on the list. She then became upset and let me know that I had just been wasting her time!?!?!

WOW! Now in this whole situation I thought I was the one who had been put out! I thought I was the one who's time had been wasted! I guess I was wrong. I should just understand that this woman should get as many chances as she wants to get this done. In fact I should just hang out at the school until she decides she wants to come and do this orientation. I know, how about we just have teachers be on call and then whenever parents feel like getting a hold of us we will be a there whim.

*breaths out* I am tired!! I am tired of parents not doing anything to help! I am tired of not getting the respect I deserve! AND I am tired of teachers being blamed for everything that is wrong with children, school and learning.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Worries and Troubles

The other day while I was having my lunch an older student was sent to my class to finish work he hadn't finished. While my assistant and I sat eating lunch and talking about our lives and the different shows we watch, we noticed that this boy was sitting there staring off. He was somewhere far away from our classroom. Thinking that he might not understand the work that sat in front of him, my assistant asked him if he was having trouble. His response floored me. He said "Yes, My mom has started drinking again. I think I am going to have to move in with another family member and then I will have to change schools."

Here my assistant meant trouble with the math problems he was working on. After listening to him for a few minutes and letting him get some of his troubles off his chest, she asked him if he was having troubles with the math. He looked down and shook his head as he said "No, I know how to do this." Then she left him to finish his work and he continued to stare at the wall and lose any focus he might have had.

In one statement this child has dug a place into my heart. For the past two days every other thought I have had has been about him. What a huge weight for a 10 year old to carry around with him. We as teachers expect students to leave their problems at the door and focus. What a tall order for us to expect of such young children. We as teachers can't even do this. We place our own personal problems on students without even knowing it. I think it is funny that teachers don't have time to get to know students and their situations. If we knew more about our students we might have a better understand of what they are going through and why their minds aren't 100% on the task at hand. We also might have a better idea how to approach the child so that the work we need to achieve could be successfully done.

Many of our children's life saddens me. They should be safe in their surroundings. They shouldn't have to be the adult in their homes. Children minds are not made to deal with the all the worries of the adult world. In this time children are becoming adults at a younger and younger age and the "adults" are the ones placing this burden on the children.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Loss of One= Loss of Many (tears)

In the winter of 05-06 I was about to experience the most painful part of my life, and what I didn't know, is that there was more to come.

September of 05 my husband Bruce and I were asked to adopt a baby girl who was to be born in December. We of course said yes because we had been trying for many years and truly wanted a child. By November we were ready. We were given three showers and had more baby stuff then you could ever imagine. The nursery was painted purple, crib was set up and everything was in it's place. Someone commented now all this room needs is the baby. Shortly before our baby girl was born the birth mother broke off contact with us and we didn't hear anything else until a few weeks after she was born. We found out that our baby girl was born on December 6 and then passed on December 8. The birth family named her Abby and she was burried. She will never be Abby to me, her name will always be Mariska Emerson Brunkow. My baby girl would be turning 4 this year, the same age as the children I teach.

January 06 my husband became ill with the flu and a few days later I found him unresponsive. After a taking him to the hospital and then life flighting him to Nebraska, he passed from sudden liver failure on January 12. I thought losing my daughter was hard but this was my soul mate. He was part of me. We completed each other sentences. Bruce had defied the doctors all his life and lived a much longer life than the ever thought he would, but I wanted (needed) him to live longer. There were so many things we wanted to do, wanted to experience, but God took him early. I will love him and miss him always.

I found that I do have the same bond with friends as I use to. I think of things differently than they do. I know life is short and I don't know how long I have here so I am going to do the things I want to now. I have friends who have stopped communicating with me since my change. I can't change back to the person I was. I miss these friends and I have picked up the phone a few times and almost had the whole number dialed before I hang it back up and remember what has happened between us.

I have also lost some family through this. I have family that doesn't understand how I feel and actually what I have been through. They want me to just get over it. They are dead and we need to be happy and move on. WOW! That sounds great, someone please show my heart how to do that. Some of the comments have been "Let's try to make this a happy Christmas", "You are going to have get over it other people are still going to have babies", "You just need to get back out there".

For people who don't understand why we, who have lost a child, have trouble going to baby showers and being around pregnant people, I want you to try something for me. If you are pregnant or have been pregnant I want you to imagine that your baby was taken from you and they are no where to be found. You can't hold them or love them they are just gone and you will never see them again. Now everywhere you look you see people who are pregnant or who have children. How does this make you feel? Do you feel like your heart has been torn from your chest? Do you really want to be around the people who are a reminder what what you have loss? If you answered yes to the last one you a liar!

Over the last four year I have watched other family grow and move past this tragedy I would say that I have moved forward, to a point. I do have a new husband who loves my terribly and unconditionally. I am still trying to keep hope for baby in the future, but each day my hope gets a little less. We do continue to live though. We enjoy each day for what it brings and we travel and see new things. My life will continue on with or without certain people. I will continue to be strong and continue moving forward.

I try really hard to be understanding that other people's lives move on. I do feel that others should understand that part of my life hasn't and even though things have changed there is a part of my heart that will always feel pain because of what I have lost.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Twinkles

As I walked through Wal-Mart doing my grocery shopping I come upon many different people. On this particular day I was really having trouble being around all the people and was feeling very emotional. Even though I wanted to just give up and leave, I made myself finish my shopping then I hurried to find my way out of the store.

As I was leaving I saw a mother and her six children. None of the family were very well kept and they all look like they could use a bath. The one child that stuck out the most to me was the little girl who walked about five feet behind the rest and, in my eyes, had been pretty much forgot by her mother. As she walked she sang...
"Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are....
Up above the world so high like a diamond in the sky.....
Twinkle, Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are"
This really touched my heart. She has no idea that she is in a poor family and that she isn't being taken care of as good as she should be. She is just happy to be there and singing her little song.

I think about this little girl a lot and my questions are...
What will happen to this little girl?
Will she grow up to be happy?
Will she have the same life as her mother?
Will she ever really reach the stars that she sings about?
Would she be better off in a wealthier home?

I see these "twinkles" (poor children with potiental) and I make statements like: Those families don't deserve these children. They can't be giving them a good life. That child is going to end up just like their parents.

Then I stop and reflect. My own mother was a single mother who worked minimum pay jobs and did all she could do to make the two ends meet. Was she any different than these parents I am judging? If I had to judge my mother on the job she did raising me I would have to give her the blue ribbon. She taught me everything I needed to know to get the things in my life that I wanted. She made memories with me that I carry in my heart and will revisit the rest of my life. As I have gotten older my mother has become my best friend. I go to her with everything and there is nothing about me that she doesn't know. She has been there for me through the hardest times of my life and the happiest times. I am sure there where people who looked at her and thought she didn't have any business being a mom. They shouldn't have judged her and I will try to remember that when I see these the little "twinkles" around and start to judge their parents before I have seen any proof of their faults.