My Quiet Place

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Reflection of the Past Year

This last year has been one of different emotions. I have struggled over the last year with where I belong and who I want in my life. I have to remind my self to count the blessings I have and not morn over the blessings I don't have. I have also looked to the future tried to see how I would be in different lives.

Through my struggle with infertility In the last year I have found that some people I used to consider very close friends are not what they've always seemed. Infertility is a very hard situation to be in. I have tried very hard to be supportive of others who are having children and to be happy for the. Even though after the fact I feel like my heart is being literally pulled out. I am happy for these other people, even if they do not think so. I have lost a few relationships because of this problem. I know that part of this is me and even though I have tried I can only do try so hard. After reading up on infertility and how to deal with others who are having children, I found that it isn't all my fault. The people having babies need to understand some what that no matter how happy I am for the this is a terribly hard situation for me. Going to see people you love shouldn't end with tears and depression every time. I don't feel like I am asking to much, just a little consideration of my feelings and emotions. If I step out for a few minutes to have a short cry, no offense should be taken to this. It doesn't mean I don't like you, It doesn't mean that I hate your child, It just means I am emotional and I need a minute. After trying to work through this without losing any family or friends I finally had to come to the conclusion that I had to do what was best for me. I have cut off communication with a few friends and even some family. The funny thing is I think this actually hurt me more than them. I think they don't really care that I have done this. All this shows me is that these weren't relationships worth keeping.

Over the last year I have preach a little better than I practice. I encourage others to count their blessings. I have found that I morn the blessings I don't have more than I count the ones I do. I have to literally remind myself to think about what I do have. So for a reminder here are some of my blessings.

1. A husband that loves me unconditionally.

2. A mother that is like my best friend.

3. A step Dad who loves me.

4. A very good job.

5. A home to live in.

6. A few very good friends.

7. A great assistant at school.

8. The means to take vacations with my husband.

9. Healthy enough to do most of the things we want.

10. Being able not to have to pop a pill to make it through the day or to have a good day.

In 2010 I plan to continue to count all the blessings I have.

I have taken some time in the last few months to imagine myself in different futures. What would my life be like if we never had children? What would it be like if we did? What would it be like if we adopted a baby? Could we even adopt a baby? I have thought about all these different situations many, many times. Sometimes thinking about it makes me sad other times it doesn't bother me. I have just decided I am going to keep things in perspective. I have a great live and no matter what I do or don't get in the future shouldn't change that. My life is what I make of it. So today, Tomorrow and the other days to come, I am going to try with my full heart to make each day the best day it can be. I am going to smile, love and enjoy. This is the life God has given me and I am going to truly try to stop taking advantage of it.

Looking back over the last year I can't say it was bad. In fact is was pretty good. There have been the ups and downs. Changes have happened but I believe in life changes have to happen. So here is to 2010 may it be better than last year and bring great things to life!!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Thoughts

Merry Christmas!!

I have to say Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I love the looks on children's faces when they talk about what they want and Santa! This is the time of year when magic is real and people go out of their way to help others who need a helping hand. Every year I try to help someoone that needs it. I usually pick someone that I know so I see what comes of the gift. This year it was a student from school. I had so much fun shopping for them and then I actually got to see the them wear some of the clothese to school. They were so excited to wear to new boots and coat I got them. I think if everyone who take a minute to help some who needs it everyone would have a great Christmas.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Four Years Old

Today is the day my baby girl would have been four years old. WOW! Four years old. It is very strange to think because I still have a nursery with clothes, blankets and all the baby things you would ever need. It has been four years and the room is still for a baby and today my little girl would have been a big girl.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about how she would be this year. She would be so excited about Christmas and Santa Claus. She would have sang at church and would have been excited to see the baby Jesus. She would have ornaments on the tree, to represent the years of her life and would have a very special dress for the up coming holiday. I was Christmas shopping the other day and saw ornaments. I wondered which ornament I would have bought for her this year. Would it have been a barbie one or maybe a ballerina.

When I go to bed at night I imagine myself holding her and singing to her. Every night I rock my baby to sleep. Tonight I think she will look different than she ever has in my imagination. I will still rock her and love her. This is something that no one can take away from me. Maybe someday I will have a child that I can celebrate these wonderful events with.... until then I have my thoughts to help me make it through.