My Quiet Place

Monday, November 22, 2010


At this time of the year my emotions run high. I miss the ones I lost and I love the ones I have. I try to see the things I have and be thankful for what I do have. Tonight I am going to be thankful for the things I have.

I am thankful for my mom. She is the best mom anyone could ever have. I talk to her every morning and she means the world to me. She is my best friend. We do many thing shop, scrapbook, watch movies, and sometimes just watch trash TV. I appreciate every minute I have with my mom. She is the best there is. If they were looking to write a book on what a good mom is she should be the example they use.

I am thankful for my husband. I am very fortunate to have been loved by two wonderful men. They have both treated me like I am the only thing there is. Russell is my current husband and he is wonderful. I am the queen of his world. He knows I have been through a lot but has opened his heart to include my family from my first husband and my family. He is always ready to go and make memories. I love him so.

I am thankful for my job. I came home from Kindergarten one day and told my mom I wanted to be a teacher. Many years later here I am "a teacher" 11 years. WOW!.. Everyday my kids are excited to be at school and to see me. They love me. I get to see the moments when the light bulb comes on and they start learning. They make me feel needed and wanted.

I do have many more things that I am thankful for. I need to remember when I get low there are so many things that could be worse. Thank you God for the good things in my life.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Prayer

Dear God,
Tonight I am praying for peace. Peace in my life, Peace in my mind, Peace in my heart.

This day has been a very hard day. Actually I should say this week, but today it all came to a head. Last weekend my good friend informed me that she was going to have a baby. Now please don't get me wrong, I am happy for her, very happy for her. Even though I am happy for her, I have been getting sadder and sadder as this week has gone on. I feel the depression seeking up on me. Everyday I remind myself of the wonderful things I have and that my life is great! Even though I remind myself of these things it doesn't kept me from thinking of the things I have lost in the past and the things I can not have. This morning at school it was just to much and in the bathroom I feel apart (tears and sobbing) and then had to pull myself back together because there were 30 children on their way to school for me to education.

I have always been told that I am a stong person. Sometimes my strong side retreats and leaves me weak.... very weak. I know in a day or so I will return to the person I know I am and will continue on with my life, enjoying the good things and keep going. For now though I look to the heavens and asked God for the help I need to get through this night.

Monday, September 6, 2010

New School Year

A new school year is here. I have gone silent. I have had good ideas for blogging just haven't followed through with it. Oh well maybe another day!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

"Why don't friends with kids have time?"

This article has been passed around facebook and every stay home mom out there are just singing it's praises. Well not being a stay home mom and not having children at all I find myself hating the article and hating the people cheering for it. Now please don't get me wrong. I know that stay at home moms work very hard and are very busy. I also know being a teacher and taking care of 30 children a day, going home with work from school and taking care of my home and family that I am very busy too. I also know that I have have not stopped communication with my friends.

I have friends who have children and when I call them they will let me know if they are busy or not. They will also call me back if they can not talk at that moment. I have also had friends that I can call and call and call and never hear back from them. I understand you are busy! BUT a friendship is a relationship and if this relationship is going to continue and grow it takes give and take from both sides. I feel like as a good friend I understand that you need time to yourself and that you will not always be able to talk when I call. I also understand that now when we do something it will include your children. I am fine with that but in return sometimes I would like when you are taking your 10 minutes to yourself that you might think of me and pick up the phone, send me an e-mail or even just text me.

Friendships are like marriages if you don't work at it they die. Some of your friends may not have children by choice, some might want children but can't have them. Stop treating your childless friends like the enemy! They are not trying to start a war with you. They are just trying to be a part of your life.

I know that I have not spent a day in a stay at home mother's shoes, but they have not spent a day in my shoes. Dealing with other people and their children, being yelled at about something I can not do anything about or coming home wanting a minute to sit down and have a conversation with my husband but I have more work to do and phone calls to make (mind you to "parents" who couldn't care less what is going on with their children, some being stay at home moms). In the end everyone no make what your "job" is can make time for their friends if they care enough!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Where the Wild Things Are

I felt as a teacher I should see the movie Where the Wild Things Are. This is one of my favorite books. I hate when they make movies out of my favorite kid books because they seem to always mess them up. Others have told me that this movie was great so I thought I should give it a chance.

Right now I am sitting here watching Where the Wild Things Are and all I can say is I hate it. I can't stand Max. In the book I know Max is bad but I don't think he was as out of control as this little boy is.

The more I watch this movie I find that I don't blame Max as much as I did at the beginning. Parents can be so unaware of what their children need. Especially boys! They have these precious children and then think they will raise themselves. As I watch Max with the wild things I realize he needs friends, love, attention and an outlet for all the energy he has. Parents forget what it is like to be a kid. Imagining, jumping, crashing, singing, spinning etc..
The movie is over and all I have to say is the book was much better. I find it funny that at the end of the movie he comes home and his mother feeds him dinner and dessert and even though you could tell she was relieved to have him home she doesn't say anything. I know it was because it was a movie but I don't think I could be silent.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Teacher of the Year

I will never be teacher of the year!

I have never thought I really had a bucket list but here lately I have started thinking about the things in life I want and have started writing things down. One thing I have always thought would be very cool is to be teacher of the year. Now I know that is a long shot and I know it will probably never happen. But boy wouldn't it be Great!

Tonight I realized this is something that will never happen. I am not the type of teacher that will ever win this award. I am not the teacher jumps every time I am asked and that does things just because someone tells me too. I do the things I know work with my students. I am a hard worker and will go the extra mile. I keep in touch with my parents, stress myself out making plans that I know my students will love and in the end I know that my students are better because of that.

In the end I will remember that it doesn't matter what awards I win, how others feel about me or what hoops I jump through. What really matters is that I give my students my best and no matter what I will know I make a difference.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


My Grandmother is going in for a bi pass surgery next week, which has made me start thinking. I have been thinking about everything she is going to need. The family is rallying together to help her. Some are staying with her, some are bringing meals, etc. Then I started to think about my life. In the past months I have had to start thinking about my life without children. What will my life be like? Will I be able to handle not having children? What does my future look like?
Last night everything came together and I feel apart. When I am my grandmother's age the only person I might have is my husband. There will be no one there to stay and help. No one there to bring meals. No one there to even care. I am so scared! I don't want to be alone!

I want to grow old with my husband and at Christmas time I want our children to come home with the grand kids. I want to have all the handmade ornaments on the tree. I want to have traditions with my family.

Everyday I go to work and look at the children in my class and it just gets wonder what it would be like to actually get to be the mom. Get to see them when they get home and snuggle and love on them. People tell me that even if I don't have children I still have the children I teach. Well let me tell you those children forget me. I don't get to love them the way a mother loves her child. I don't get to snuggle down and read them books. And at the end of the night I come home to my wonderful husband and no child.
I don't know how to make the pain go away. I know I will be fine becasue "I am Strong". I just Worry, about what is to come and if I can make it through. For now I try to look for the great things in my life (which I do have).

For those of you who have children and grandchildren you will never understand what people who can't have children feel. Even when you are just trying to be nice it still hurts.

Monday, April 12, 2010


When I first started teaching I was amazed by the teachers who had been teaching for more than five years. "Wow, I have such a long road until I will be to 5.. or even 10 years."

Now I am sitting at the end of my tenth year... 10 YEARS! This has been a long road coming but sitting her at the end of ten years I look back and all I can say is "wow that went fast."

The Good :
I have to say getting to know new people has been one of the highlights of teaching. I don't only get to know the children but I get to know their families. I met some good friends through teaching. I love watching the students when they figure out they can actually do things on their own. I also feel like I make a difference. I work hard so my students have a better start to their educational life. When they leave me I have done everything in my power to make the independent kids who are prepared for what is coming their way.

The bad :
Even though being a teacher is very rewarding there are a few drawbacks to it. If you end up in a school where the administration isn't great, then everyone suffers. You can be the best teacher in the world but there is only so much you can do with bad administration. Another bad thing about teaching is that the people in charge of deciding what the children will learn actually know nothing about how they learn. They forget that these are children and need breaks, time to move and time to PLAY and have FUN.

The funny:
One of the best things about working with little children is that they are very blunt and say some of the funniest things. Here are a few of my favorites from over the years!

D comes to school and tells me that he won't be at school anymore. I asked him why and he responded that he would be dead. (Wondering what was going on I asked why he would be dead) He said "My mom said if I didn't clean my room.... (then he just shook his head) I figured that the end of that statement was the she was going to kill him. LOL.

During a screening a child asked me when she got to scream. I said we weren't going to scream and she replayed that her mother told her that the were going to a Screaming to get into school.

At Thanksgiving one of our student's mom was pregnant and we asked at Thanksgiving what is your mom going to have... The child thought for a minute and responded "A Turkey" I am sure the baby kind of looked like a turkey but that the response I was looking for.

I have had my ups and downs through the last 10 years. I have learned a lot and I feel like I have grown to be a better teacher. I started as a teacher who was afraid to stand in front of a group and talk. I hated to have to inform parents of their children's short comings. Now these things come easier and easier every year. This is to the Ten years behind me and the many years yet to come. May they be wonderful!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Angry, Frustrated .... OK I AM REALLY PISSED OFF!!

Before spring break we had a field trip. I asked all the parents to leave the children's backpacks and name tags at home. I was very proud that just two students brought a backpack. I told the students that they would have to leave their backpacks at school and would get them when we returned to school. I try very hard not to take anything extra with us on a field trip. I have enough responsibilities making sure we have all the students and that they are all behaving.

Well we went on our field trip and it was a lot of fun. Everyone was good and had a great time. When we returned to the school the parents were there to pick up the students. One of our students that brought their backpack started having a fit because they wanted to take it home. I explained to the parent and the child that the door was locked and he would have to get it on the next day of school. The child not accepting this and the fit getting a little worse I told him that I could send it home with his brother or he could leave it. I didn't mind sending it home, I just wasn't going to run and get it right then. The child was ok with us sending it home and left with his parent. Everything was just fine.


When I went to take the backpack to the brother one of the other employees at our school stopped me and said " Oh let me tell you about this backpack." She then proceeds to tell me that this child wouldn't get out of the car that morning because he didn't have his backpack. She went and got a new backpack out of her room and gave it to him so he would get out of the car. I told her that because she did this, it cause another fit later that day. She kinda shrugged it off and went on.

All I can say is what is our school coming to. I don't know if other schools are like this but I know ours is. The child throws a fit and people are waving things in front of them asking Do you want this? Or this? Or how about this? Would you like me to stand on my head and spin around?

SERIOUSLY!!!! Are we getting these students ready for the real world or are we teaching them that no matter what they do we will bend over backwards to make them happy so they don't throw a fit. I do believe that we have some students who are very hard to handle and we do need to figure out what works with them. If it be that they need breaks or a rest time, I am all for that. I will not reward a student for doing what every other child does without a reward.

My feeling is, that child should have been left in the care and if he was going to throw a fit he could stay in the car until he was done. If he didn't stop then his parent could just take him home. The only thing leave through what happened is that the some people in our school do not have a clue and this child now knows if he throws a big enough fit he will get whatever he wants.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Footprint in the Sand

Do you ever feel lost? I feel lost! I feel like God shows me the path but when I try to start down it it isn't recognizable anymore. Just like footprints in the sand you can see them until the waves come crashing in.
I feel the older I get the more I question where my life is going. What the purpose of my life is and if there is even a purpose. I just want God to drop it in front of me and say Here it is, like it or not, this is what your life holds for you. If that were the case then I could read it and know ok this is what I have to work with and make it that happiest life I could. This whole thing with not knowing what is going to happen and getting your hopes up for something you may never have. It hurts. If you know me, you know have a very strong faith in God. I believe he has a reason for everything he does and that one day we will understand that reason. My biggest issue is that even though I know everything is for a reason I have trouble being ok with the fact that I don't know the reason. I keep telling myself that not having a child isn't a big deal. Russell and I can travel and we have the freedom to come and go as we please. I also tell myself that maybe God is sparing us the heartache of having a child with a disability. Knowing all this why do I fall about when I see a pregnant woman? Why do I have such a urge to hold a baby? I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I see these people who have more children than they know what to do with and have no way to support them and they do nothing with them. The only question I have when I see that is WHY? Why them and not me? What have I done wrong?

I have many people around me that want to make it better and telling everything is going to be alright. There are also people who don't come around me because they have children and they don't know how to deal with me and my emotions. Guess what it isn't easy dealing with the emotions form this side either.
Here lately I have felt very lost in my life. I hope that I can find the path God has laid out for me and be happy with where ever it leads me.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Bruce Dean Brunkow 1971-2005

This year Bruce and I would have been married 10 years. Wow! 10 years. We had been married for about six years when he passed away. It was a very long six years. We spent a lot of time in the hospital and fighting doctors. Even though there were hard times we were in love. Bruce was my first love. He always made me feel special and he truly cared about me.

The night Bruce asked me to marry him he took me to a small park in St. Joe. We had been there for a few hours. As the sun went down I could tell he was up to something because I was cold and he was acting weird. He finally did it. He got down on his knee and asked me. Of course I said yes. He gave me a beautiful ring with our birthstones on each side of the diamond. He was so excited when he got the ring that he wasn't about to wait.

Bruce was a man of many talents. He was a chef in the kitchen. Bruce did wonderful things with food. He made the best brisket I have ever tasted. I haven't had brisket that tasted like his since. Bruce was also born with two green thumbs. I could look at a plant and kill it, while he could cut a piece of a plant off and grow a whole bush from it. Bruce also was very mechanically inclined. He was always changing things on his car, adding new lights and fixing things that probably didn't need to be changed. He was really into medicine and would watch any show that he could see an operation preformed. He drove the doctors crazy with all his questions and the fact the he actually knew what he was talking about.

Bruce and I had grand plans.(What is the saying, Life happens while your making plans) We wanted to buy a house, travel, and have a family. Bruce's health problems put our plans on hold. We were unable to buy a house. We did do some traveling that we enjoyed. During the last year we were asked to adopt a baby of on of my students parents. We were so excited! We were sure it was a gift from God. Bruce was so funny to watch. We fitted the car seat in the car. After I came back inside, Bruce stayed outside and kept checking it. The month before Bruce passed our baby girl was born and passed away two days later. We never got to see her or hold her. Bruce's heart was broken. It was right before Christmas. That was the worst Christmas we ever had.

Some great things about Bruce:
He had an evil look when he was up to nothing good.
He was a great cook.
He loved children and animals.
He got very excited to open gifts on his birthday or at Christmas.
He loved Christmas and Christmas music.
He was a caring person who would anything for anyone.
and there was so much more!!!

I miss Bruce everyday. It is hard for me to go through a day without having many reminders of him, the smell of his cologne, the way someone walks or just a song on the radio. I cherished everyday I had with Bruce I have no regrets from our life together. I will miss him always and treasure the time with had together.

May Bruce and his baby girl, Mariska, rest in Peace.

A man as good as Bruce was should never be forgotten.
If you knew Bruce and what to share something about him please leave it in a comment.