Do you ever feel lost? I feel lost! I feel like God shows me the path but when I try to start down it it isn't recognizable anymore. Just like footprints in the sand you can see them until the waves come crashing in.
I feel the older I get the more I question where my life is going. What the purpose of my life is and if there is even a purpose. I just want God to drop it in front of me and say Here it is, like it or not, this is what your life holds for you. If that were the case then I could read it and know ok this is what I have to work with and make it that happiest life I could. This whole thing with not knowing what is going to happen and getting your hopes up for something you may never have. It hurts. If you know me, you know have a very strong faith in God. I believe he has a reason for everything he does and that one day we will understand that reason. My biggest issue is that even though I know everything is for a reason I have trouble being ok with the fact that I don't know the reason. I keep telling myself that not having a child isn't a big deal. Russell and I can travel and we have the freedom to come and go as we please. I also tell myself that maybe God is sparing us the heartache of having a child with a disability. Knowing all this why do I fall about when I see a pregnant woman? Why do I have such a urge to hold a baby? I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I see these people who have more children than they know what to do with and have no way to support them and they do nothing with them. The only question I have when I see that is WHY? Why them and not me? What have I done wrong?
I have many people around me that want to make it better and telling everything is going to be alright. There are also people who don't come around me because they have children and they don't know how to deal with me and my emotions. Guess what it isn't easy dealing with the emotions form this side either.
Here lately I have felt very lost in my life. I hope that I can find the path God has laid out for me and be happy with where ever it leads me.