My Grandmother is going in for a bi pass surgery next week, which has made me start thinking. I have been thinking about everything she is going to need. The family is rallying together to help her. Some are staying with her, some are bringing meals, etc. Then I started to think about my life. In the past months I have had to start thinking about my life without children. What will my life be like? Will I be able to handle not having children? What does my future look like?
Last night everything came together and I feel apart. When I am my grandmother's age the only person I might have is my husband. There will be no one there to stay and help. No one there to bring meals. No one there to even care. I am so scared! I don't want to be alone!
I want to grow old with my husband and at Christmas time I want our children to come home with the grand kids. I want to have all the handmade ornaments on the tree. I want to have traditions with my family.
Everyday I go to work and look at the children in my class and it just gets wonder what it would be like to actually get to be the mom. Get to see them when they get home and snuggle and love on them. People tell me that even if I don't have children I still have the children I teach. Well let me tell you those children forget me. I don't get to love them the way a mother loves her child. I don't get to snuggle down and read them books. And at the end of the night I come home to my wonderful husband and no child.
I don't know how to make the pain go away. I know I will be fine becasue "I am Strong". I just Worry, about what is to come and if I can make it through. For now I try to look for the great things in my life (which I do have).
For those of you who have children and grandchildren you will never understand what people who can't have children feel. Even when you are just trying to be nice it still hurts.