Reflection of the Past Year

This last year has been one of different emotions. I have struggled over the last year with where I belong and who I want in my life. I have to remind my self to count the blessings I have and not morn over the blessings I don't have. I have also looked to the future tried to see how I would be in different lives.

Through my struggle with infertility In the last year I have found that some people I used to consider very close friends are not what they've always seemed. Infertility is a very hard situation to be in. I have tried very hard to be supportive of others who are having children and to be happy for the. Even though after the fact I feel like my heart is being literally pulled out. I am happy for these other people, even if they do not think so. I have lost a few relationships because of this problem. I know that part of this is me and even though I have tried I can only do try so hard. After reading up on infertility and how to deal with others who are having children, I found that it isn't all my fault. The people having babies need to understand some what that no matter how happy I am for the this is a terribly hard situation for me. Going to see people you love shouldn't end with tears and depression every time. I don't feel like I am asking to much, just a little consideration of my feelings and emotions. If I step out for a few minutes to have a short cry, no offense should be taken to this. It doesn't mean I don't like you, It doesn't mean that I hate your child, It just means I am emotional and I need a minute. After trying to work through this without losing any family or friends I finally had to come to the conclusion that I had to do what was best for me. I have cut off communication with a few friends and even some family. The funny thing is I think this actually hurt me more than them. I think they don't really care that I have done this. All this shows me is that these weren't relationships worth keeping.

Over the last year I have preach a little better than I practice. I encourage others to count their blessings. I have found that I morn the blessings I don't have more than I count the ones I do. I have to literally remind myself to think about what I do have. So for a reminder here are some of my blessings.

1. A husband that loves me unconditionally.

2. A mother that is like my best friend.

3. A step Dad who loves me.

4. A very good job.

5. A home to live in.

6. A few very good friends.

7. A great assistant at school.

8. The means to take vacations with my husband.

9. Healthy enough to do most of the things we want.

10. Being able not to have to pop a pill to make it through the day or to have a good day.

In 2010 I plan to continue to count all the blessings I have.

I have taken some time in the last few months to imagine myself in different futures. What would my life be like if we never had children? What would it be like if we did? What would it be like if we adopted a baby? Could we even adopt a baby? I have thought about all these different situations many, many times. Sometimes thinking about it makes me sad other times it doesn't bother me. I have just decided I am going to keep things in perspective. I have a great live and no matter what I do or don't get in the future shouldn't change that. My life is what I make of it. So today, Tomorrow and the other days to come, I am going to try with my full heart to make each day the best day it can be. I am going to smile, love and enjoy. This is the life God has given me and I am going to truly try to stop taking advantage of it.

Looking back over the last year I can't say it was bad. In fact is was pretty good. There have been the ups and downs. Changes have happened but I believe in life changes have to happen. So here is to 2010 may it be better than last year and bring great things to life!!